Wednesday, 13 April 2011

Time to face facts......

uuugghhh..... I seem to be riding an emotional roller coaster at the moment, one minute I feel fine and am enjoying the sun, my children, my hobby, hubby and life..... the next I want to run away from it all. So don't read this if you don't want , I just need to get a few things off my chest and by writing them down they might sink into my head a bit better too.

1: I have depression....... sometimes hard to admit, especially to myself. and this time has been no different. It's not the first time I have found myself here. I have suffered with PND after each of my children apart from my first and it never gets any easier to deal with. Since Elsie was born I have found myself in floods of tears most days.... but lately, I'd say over the past week or so, I've found myself becoming angry over nothing too, this is when its time to do something about it as my family don't deserve the monster that I become.
I took myself to the doctor last week.... I filled out one of those 'are you gonna kill yourself??' forms.... and as I know the symptoms of depression well enough by now my score was relatively low (which is a good thing) the doc kind of looked at me as if to say ' why did you bother coming in to see me???' ....... No I'm not as bad as I have been before..... but my words to her was I know how it starts and I don't wanna wait to go back to that horrible place before I do something about it.
she prescribed me vitamin B!!!! WTF is that meant to do???? as you can tell it has had no affect on me whatsoever I still cry at the drop of a hat, I still tell my kids off for doing nothing and I still blame my hubby for things that don't mean a thing. and im fed up with being fed up!!!
My plan....... doc said she was going to phone my health visitor when I left, so I am going to call my hv this morning to find out what she had said. I get on really well with her so I know she will tell me, and I can find out what bloody vitamin B's are meant to be doing???

2:My baby girl has an arm missing....... yes I have known this since she was born and people keep asking me how I felt when she was born and I found out..... well the answer..... Horrible. how else am I meant to feel???
I love Elsie Moo as much as I love my other children, she is a special girl, my special girl, and I will always be here for her. But... I need to face facts, she will never have an arm, im not gonna wake up one day and its gonna have grown. she will always need help with things, people will always look at her when we are out and nudge each other like they have already.and it will probably always affect me more than it affects her!

After speaking to Jayne the other day I know that these are all my problems, and that Elsie will more than likely be oblivious to half of my concerns as she finds her own way of doing things. but right now its hard to imagine how she will be, I need to get over the fact that she only has one arm and be thankful for the fact that it was only her arm that was missing. there are parents who don't even get to hold their baby alive.... whose babies are born with serious conditions.... with no legs or downs syndrome compared to them just having one  arm missing would be a godsend.

I should be more grateful for what I have ... I have a beautiful baby girl who will grow up with the love and support of her family and friends. I have a strong family who will make Elsie into a strong person, who will shrug off anything that comes her way and overcome all challenges that life throws at her. but at the moment I cant see past it. I hope it happens soon cause I want to enjoy my time with her as she is to be our last :(

3: Something needs to be done......... yesterday morning I sent Paul to have our meeting with the head of sonography at Southmead Hospital. I couldn't bear to go with him as I knew I'd be sat there crying the whole time and that would have got us no where so I made the choice to take myself out of that situation and let him handle things.

He says that things went better than we both expected, we thought he'd either be so stuck up his own ass that he would try and wriggle his way out of taking any responsibility for Elsie's arm going unnoticed. Or he would be so over the top nice that it would be obviously fake. Instead Paul said he seemed genuinely sorry that it had been over looked, he took full responsibility on behalf of the hospital for it being over looked and apologized also for the way we were introduced to Elsie in the delivery suite.

he basically gave us 3 options which we now need to think about.....

the first is to walk away form the whole situation.... take on board the fact that yes Elsie has an arm missing, it was no fault of ours or theirs and these things happen and just accept his apology for them not seeing it at the scans. This would be the easiest option for me to do cause I just wanna get on with life.

the second is to write a letter of complaint to him, which will then get passed onwards and upwards through the chain of command and in return we'd get a letter back from the hospital which had probably been written by someones receptionist and not even looked at by anyone who cares. what a waste of time this would be!

or lastly we could sue the hospital for missing the fact that she has no left forearm in the scan. 
this is the scariest option for me, having to have the ordeal dragged up over and over again, the whole experience was bad enough the first time around and having to explain it to new people makes me upset every time so dragging it out ad having to go to court etc would be horrendous.
but on the other hand if we get some sort of compensation for Elsie's future it might be worth it?!?!?!?
She is gonna need special stuff when she's older, she might even want a prosthetic arm at some point, who knows what she will decide but money would help us to help her.  
but I don't wanna look like im out for the money cause im really not but then if it helps Elsie in the future what sort of mother would I be not to try???
I'm torn, I don't really want to be reminded of the birth for months to come, maybe even years and I don't want to think about it longer than I have to but can I afford , for Elsie's sake, not to????

we are gonna wait for the letter from the top dog before we make any decisions, I hope we choose what is best for us as a family. 

what a horrible depresing post this has been but I have needed to write all of this down to figure out how to move on.
thanks for listening xxxx


  1. Emma you are truely an inspiration to us all, and feel that what you have been through what you are going through and what you will deal with in the future is something you can handle and you will deal with but in your own time! Things are given to us for a reason what that may be is anyone's business but remember you never get handed more than you can handle yourself. You will feel so much better when you realise that your gorgeous baby girl can and will make it in this world and be very special to a lot of people, it effects you because you feel that you failed but Emma sweet that is so not the case you are a beautiful person with a loving and kind heart and who better to have a special girl than you!!!!!!
    On a serious note I understand that dragging this all up again will bring back memories best forgotten... but for the future you need to think about what is best for you as a family and for your baby girl... can you finance all her needs your self? will this in part play an even bigger burden to cross later on? if so hun do what is best for you and yours!! No one else is better equiped to make sure your daughter gets everything she needs now and later on than you.
    I say you go girl you are strong and a very compassionate person you only want what is best for you..
    I am behind you all the way sweet and I know your friends and family are with you too...
    the future will be more certain as your little one grows and you grow with her xxx
    Take care sweet and if you ever need anything I'm there for certain and I know Tina most certainly is sweet xxx
    Em x

  2. hi emma,
    wow that is alot you have on your plate right now, and i wanted to say i totally get it. First off depression is hard; and not having a doctor who understands it SUCKS majorly. Maybe you need to see a different GP at your doctor, make them listen. My mum told me once the best thing to do is write down your list of points and tell them exactly to the doctor - they are more likely to listen that way.
    Secondly - Elsie is so beautiful and if people look - let them, it shows them as small minded people. Robbie had education difficulties (probably autism) and people look at us alot, at first it was hard but you learn to ignore it, walk tall and get on with your day. Elsie is awesome, all children are - regardless of the illnesses, the missing parts, all of it. You are so strong Em and you can do this; being a mum is so hugely important to you - i can see that.
    Third - don't rush that decision, it's a huge one to make. if the hospital are taking blame then that's a good thing first off; they aren't trying to hide from it - that is important. I can't really say much about those kind of decisions, you need to think about it; talk it over with those closest to you - find out about what help Elsie will get towards prosthetics etc..... do your research and know that the people who call themselves your friends will be behind you every step of the way. Vicki xxx

  3. Hi Em
    take your time with your decision hun, and don't beat yourself up about being depressed. It's all still very recent and you have to make adjustments for the differences from what you expected with Elsie's arrival.
    Only you and Paul can decided whether to take it further and nobody should rush you with that. I'm sure that Elsie will be a strong young lady as she has a good role model in you.
    Sending you lots of love and hugs
    Kaz xxxx

  4. HI Emma
    Just wanted to post to say I'm thinking of you

  5. Em, you are one very brave lady to be so open & honest about you PND; you have my utmost admiration! I can't imagine how difficult a decision you & Paul have ahead of you - whether to pursue compensation / re-live your heartbreak time & time again or to let sleeping dogs lie. Just know that the decision you both make will be the right one for you all & that all your friends are there to support you. I only wish I were closer. Lots of love to you all. Rosie xxx

  6. Dear sweet Em, Depressing post? Nah, blogging is great for this kind of thing. Vitamin B helps the unhappy hormone but it takes two weeks to get into the system the same as antidepressives, and all we want when we get like this an instant end to the "Insanity" I know this road too well. On a happier Angi note.. creative people suffer for their art. Now for a Zoolander moment "for serious" where little Elsie is concerned...all the emotions that surface they need to be embraced, accepted and when you are ready let them move on. It is a huge shock for anyone to have to deal with, we live in a very cruel world and you know what Em? None of us can say what lies ahead of us. I think that although you are not in the mind set to go through it all again, it can be very cathartic to do so..yes, I know that right now you just want the crying to end and to feel like you did before all this happened, but allowing yourself to cry buckets stops the anger from bubbling out on the others and its the angry Em that the little ones find hard (as well as the big one). For them finding empathy is easier them than having the emotion that dealing with a cross mummy does,because children blame themselves for your anger. Again I speak from experience ask poor Kez.

    Oh dear I have gone off track..what I wanted to say is suing is probably the best of the three "options" you guys were given. Pffft to the people who are narrow minded enough to think you are doing it just for the money. No,I wasn't going to swear but will *&^k them.. They always hold their own council anyway no matter what, you and Paul know the reasons and that is all that will count if you decide to go down that road.. Elsie will need money if you are going to get her the best in whatever she needs, and I know in the the short time I have known you guys that your children come first and they mean the world to you. So in summing up.. Ride the wave my Em and its a choppy one, we are all here for you and will catch you and not allow you to fall or drown. Much love and understanding. {{{hugs}}}

  7. Emma, you are so brave and loving, even when you don't think you are. Listen to Paul and friends and family. x x just love Elsie and she will be fine. If people look let them x it is only natural...bad comments from them aren' don't hear them x

    Goaty x

  8. Thinking of you and your family Emma. Everything you have written shows how clear your thinking is despite how you are feeling emotionally. I'm sure you will make the right decision for your family XXX